I don’t know how I missed this (probably, I dunno, fishing or something), but as the the Fly Fishing World’s Leading Authority on Emerging Fly Fishing Trends, the Underground is shocked to discover that Trend Hunter magazine (yes, we laughed openly too), has electrified the fishing world by releasing a list of the Top 20 Fishing Trends, and we’re devastated to realize that nothing we do is anywhere on that list.

Frankly, I think I'd look smokin' hot in this. I do.

Found via that substance abusing crowd of slackers at the world-famous outdoor blog known as the World-Famous GetOutdoors Blog (how’s that for SEO), this startling report makes it clear you essentially have no male genitalia if you aren’t:

• Shark Hunting From a Kayak
• Receiving a Painful, Fishing-Related Tatoo
• Collecting Angling Related Decorative Glassware
• Taking Pictures of Hot Babes Holding Dead Fish

Yet another blow to the Catch & Release Ethic

This critical article lists many other critical trends that – coming as they do during a critical juncture for the fly fishing industry – are clearly critical.

Even worse is the knowledge that I’ve missed so much, it’s likely I’ll never be fashionable or trendy again (the secret shame).

For example, I think I’m pretty much The Stylemeister when I go fly fishing in a shirt lacking drool trails and evidence of yesterday’s lunch, but it turns out, your average, trendy fly fisherperson now dresses like this:

I'm speechless. That's all I got.

I simply had no idea (hitting forehead). What else have we missed? What other revolution has overtaken fly fishing while we worked on our reach casts?

Well, it turns out, a lot.

Headgear has changed:

I... hmmm... I, err.... no, still nothing...

And yes, even fishing footwear has evolved, as evidenced by this dramatic fashion statement from the magazine:

Pink rubber boots are necessary to avoid fish guts while reeling in red snapper and grouper, but are also a fashion statement and a good way to disguise unmanicured toes.

Lengthy fishing trips should start with mimosas.

I had no idea. None.

I never manicured my toes – and apparently never noticed the scorn and derision heaped on me by my more trendy, toe-manicured fishing buddies.

I don’t even own pink boots.

Yes, Dave Roberts would look smashing in pink

My fly fishing universe – nay, my whole belief system – is collapsing in on me in much the same way a star collapses on itself and forms a black hole, which is probably another trend I’m not aware of, but should be (the gravitational waves generated by black holes might just explain my backcast).

How many of the Undergrounders – who as a group are clearly in grave danger of Not Being Trendy – don’t even own a Million Dollar Fishing Lure?

A lot of you I bet.

I’d say your world – that safe, happy place you once knew and believed would last forever – is spinning out of control and about to meet the earth in one final, flaming, thud.

Especially once you find out that your ratty old fishing clothes suggest a “slightly docile” kind of bondage:

It’s hard to miss the cobweb and fishing net-inspired looks in several of the 2009 spring fashion collections. This slightly docile version of bondage is edgy, but not threatening.

Frankly, that explains a lot – including the dicey expression on the cash register lady. I thought she was reacting to my manly, haven’t-showered-in-three-days musk. It turns out she figured me a likely candidate to go, you know (nudge, wink) – tie a few improved clinch knots.

My gentle readers, there’s so much out there that’s passing us by – so much we haven’t a clue about. Why, I’ll bet Underground Fashion/Style Editor Singlebarbed doesn’t even own a net approaching the size of this one – much less the outfit (which would greatly improve his standing among the brownline crowd):

What Singlebarbed Will be Wearing Next Year

The Underground has grown accustomed to being largely unappreciated in the fly fishing world; in the past I offered up a list of movie concepts that would revitalize the industry, and nobody listened. I exposed Montana’s trout crack problem, and nobody cared.

Surely, I thought, I’d be showered with dollars endorsement offers praise after I revealed the Slaw Dog as fly fishing’s perfect fuel, but no dice there either.

This, frankly, is bigger than all of the above. Fly fishing is clearly dying from a lack of exposure to Nutritious Trend Rays, and until we – as a smelly, filthy, largely anti-social, spittle-covered, animalistic group  – embrace the kind of change outlined here, we’re doomed to go the way of horsehair leaders and reasoned political discourse.

See you on top of the latest trends, Tom Chandler.