The annual Fly Fishing Retailer trade show debuts a week from now in Denver, and unlike the past several years, the Underground’s not going to attend (to relive those golden FFR memories, click here).

There just weren’t enough reasons to go.

Yes, I considered attending solely to record those golden, overripe moments which almost beg satirical coverage (watching fly fishing sycophants fawn over fly fishing celebrities might be worth the airfare alone).

And let’s not forget the endless feigned excitement (e.g. – not falling asleep) over yet another “innovation” or “revolutionary” product that’s just like all the “revolutionary” products that proceeded it.

All quality reasons for going.

Still, let’s be fair to the FFR show; the fly fishing gear thing has never floated the Underground’s drift boat all that high, suggesting I long ago reached that stage where I’m happy with the gear I’ve got.

(Age doesn’t necessarily make you smart, but the years helped me realize that everything I own comes with some costs attached, even if it’s just maintenance and storage.)

Finally, there’s the Underground’s financial returns vs time invested, which suggest a plane flight isn’t the smart course (especially with some big expenses headed the Underground’s way, which is me hinting at some big news coming my way).

Simply put, weighing the cost of flying to Denver against fly gear ennui and ghost-like revenues made the decision easier – along with the realization that staying home and fishing once or twice excites the mind more than trout-painted fly reels and $10 beers.

Still – in a rare (almost human) display of sensitivity – I admit I’ll miss seeing the friends I’ve made in prior shows, and already regret my inability to fawn over a few of my own fave celebrities.

I didn’t soil myself last year when I met Ted Leeson and Jim Babb or crossed paths with John Gierach, but I probably would have thrown up on their shoes if I’d stumbled on all three at once. Such is the additive power of literary fanboy sycophantism.

All is not lost, however. Many manufacturers have provided ample comedic fodder online press kits, and I’ll be perusing those for what we writers technically call “howlers.”

And amazingly enough, the Chuck Furimsky/AFFTA Chainsaw Death Match still rages quietly (at an admittedly subliminal level), and we’ll see some news on that.

Of course, if the Undergrounders have any suggestions or questions about specific news emanating from this year’s FFR, we’re perfectly happy to simply make up a news report for your reading pleasure (a tactic which affords us more creative freedom anyway).

See you not in Denver, Tom Chandler.

UPDATE: I’m still not going to attend, but think the idea above has merit; why be bound by facts and reality when – like the Wall Street Journal Editorial Department – I can just make up anything I want and report it here?  So stand by for (potentially) daily reports from FFR…